So I consider myself crazy, extroverted, random, weird, etc. All that stuff. And my close friends, family, Classmates, people who have known me for long know that.
When I meet a new person, especially adults, I get super nice and sweet and polite as I’m supposed to. Sometimes when I meet people my age- I crack jokes and am still that crazy version of myself on a more low-key level.
I’m the group’s funny one, I say the weirdest shit, I swear, I’m extremely random, sometimes make inappropriate jokes, I am shameless, I am daring but overall I do at the end of the day have morals and principles. I overall consider myself a good person.
What I just described above (minus the good morals and principles part), does that seem like me on this blog? No it does not. Is that girl the same girl who wrote about the beauty behind photographs and car headlights, the same girl who spoke about how each person had an entire galaxy contained within them? Yes. How? I don’t know I’m not a philosopher.
But I am. The thing is- I don’t sit my friends down and rant to them for ten minutes about how I think libraries are portals to other universes and how I find clueless children fascinating. Because who does that?
So these two sides of me are polar opposite yet I would be incomplete without both. I can’t imagine myself without my reckless side. I’d be boring. I’d be a personification of this blog. Not that this blog is boring but this blog is just the writer part of me and if that’s all I completely become as a person… That’ll get tiring and dull. Do you get what I mean?
But imagining myself without my deep insightful side and just plain weird would just make me dumb and shallow.
Does this seem to narcissistic? It’s not supposed to be. I’m trying to be relatable and self exploratory god dammit.
Anyway, so I think…The way people’s brains’ feel is sort of… Camouflaging. Allow me to elaborate.
This is probably noticed by everyone already but I find it fascinating.
When you’re in a “hustle bustle” type of environment where there’s morning city traffic, you got a meeting, late for work or school or whatever, you’re a bit stressed and flustered. You might get angered easily, you curse at your broken toaster, you nearly kill your driver (even if you’re the driver), am i painting you the right picture?
When you’re out with your friends- you’re carefree, happy, laughing, almost everything is funny. You don’t want this day to end. You don’t want to go back to normal life.
When you’re with you’re on a date with your significant other (I’ve neve been in a relationship so I’m trying to paint the most accurate picture I can of a tree without having ever seen a tree.), everything seems perfect. Just perfect. Time doesn’t exist. It’s just you and that other person. The rest of the world is insignificant. You’re in a bubble. A bubble no one can burst (okay maybe they can), you question how you got so lucky? You’re feeling so many things. You want to capture this feeling and bottle it up. You don’t want to go back to reality. This is assuming you’re drunk in love and you’re not in a horrible place in your relationship 🙂
So you get what I’m saying? You’re you. One you. In all these scenarios but you act differently in all these scenarios. But you’re not being false in any one of them.
I got the inspiration when about a month ago I was dragged to a temple. I’m not religious so of course I wasn’t exactly jumping for joy. It was a really large and spread out place and I came to a spot which was really calm, peaceful and quiet. You know how they say “the night is young”? No I won’t say that. The night felt like a mother. Or a grandmother. Old. The night was wise. The night has been around since forever and before forever. The night looked down on me- it’s great (to the power of infinity), grandaughter holding secrets on it’s eyes, protectively, safely. The night knew things I didn’t.
I looked up at the night in wonder. I was looking at infinity. I was looking up at the same galaxy, moon and stars which Van Gogh did. That Cleopatra did. That the first man did. The night had so many secrets. It knew so many things. And it never told. Did people scream their secrets to the night? They should. Because it would be safe. Okay maybe not scream because if you screamed the maybe your neighbour will hear it and then it’ll be the neighbourhood gossip and you’ll end up blaming the night when it wasn’t the night- it was your asshole neighbour. Apparently Japanese vent out their frustrations by screaming at a rock in their back garden. Sounds fake because I don’t think people do that but I mean…If it helps they should. I’ve neve really screamed at a rock so I don’t know. Won’t it tick you off when it doesn’t react… Because it’s a rock. Didn’t I have a point?
Okay yeah the temple. So as I was sitting there, I felt totally at peace. All these serene thoughts were running through my head and I felt enlightened man. I don’t remember what exactly I was thinking but it was something along the lines “Man the stars are peaceful. It’s so nice and calm out here. I want to stay like this forever. It’s so quiet and peaceful. I want to melt into this moment.” That doesn’t sound extremely peaceful but it was, okay? And then I thought to myself, I’m feeling all this now. I’m feeling elevated. I feel like I have a sixth sense and I’m suddenly taking in everything around me at once but then tomorrow I’m going to go back to school and I’m going to be the freaking same. I’m going to make inappropriate jokes and loudly cuss about homework when the teacher leaves the class.
It it strikes me just how much we change just based on our surroundings and our company. We’re not cold blooded but we have camouflaging personalities. Has anyone stopped and thought about this? Like taken a step back and looked at the whole picture? This isn’t something I think about everytime I have a change in scenario but just writing this blog post is changing my personality slightly into the deep blogger one and when I put this phone down I’ll be pretty different.
So for some reason I don’t know how to conclude this so I’m going on and on and hoping it’ll taper down to a halt but it really isn’t I don’t want to leave the blog post like this so I’m going to leave it in a cliche way- a quote because I don’t know how else to leave it.
“I was a personality before I became a person- I am simple, complex, generous, selfish, unnatractive, beautiful, lazy and driven” ~Barbara Streisand.