Held back

I got the idea of this post sometime ago while I was writing my English exam. Part of my portions was to learn the poem “Where the mind is without fear”. It was a really good poem and the lines I loved the most which were truest for me were the lines “where the world has not been broken up into fragments by narrow domestic walls”. What I’ve understood by that is the narrow domestic walls are the mental restrictions we put up ourselves due to things like bigotry and what we’ve been taught to believe. Not all of us have open our minds yet. These lines were referring to how we divide ourselves, our world, our society based on caste, colour, race, religion, gender and sexuality.

The question asked me whether I thought we still live in a world like that and what the narrow domestic walls meant to me. I wrote what I just typed above (but more elaborately because I need the grades). But this post isn’t going to be about how “we are one” that’s something which is commonly preached and anything I say won’t be anything new (unless I’m out of ideas in which case I’ll probably write about it). I wrote what any equal rights activists speech would be and while I was writing I came to a point where I desperately wanted to write the word “sexuality”. I wanted to write about how people receive hate for being “gay”. I wanted to put the word “homophobia” alongside the “racism” “bigotry” and “sexism”. Why was I holding myself back?

This post is not about homophobia (Just like above- it would be what any LGBTQ+ right activist would say in a speech. I’ll write it when I run out of ideas again). I support gay rights 1001%. I think homophobia is a huge issue. So why did I stop writing my essay and wonder weather I should write that word?

Because it was considered taboo.

Because i couldn’t say anything related to that without people gasping, shaking their heads in disgust and quickly shutting me down because the mere thought of homosexuality shouldn’t have been crossing my mind.

I live in a sort of backward and developing country. These topics are not to be spoken of.

And that’s what this post is about.

When I could openly state the facts about how women still don’t have the same rights as men. When I could openly say how islamphobia is a problem because bigots and the narrow minded think that they all are terrorists. When I could say that black people are being discriminated and shot all because they skin has more melenin in it than a white person, why can’t I say that a homosexual is being bullied, Disowned, killed all because he chose- no. Not chose. All because he was born to love someone of the same gender?

And it wasn’t just homophobia. I couldn’t say anything about how women and children are getting abused. especially sexual abuse. In a rant about equal rights, I shouldn’t discuss the topics of things having to do with sex or love in my country. And it is not just my country. There are other backward countries with the exact same problem. 

This is not much of a problem in the country as a whole but it still is a problem in traditional households- the topic of love marriage and dating is considered taboo. So if straight love marrige will give your conservative aunt a nightmare, gay marriage is a pretty long shot goal.

But it isn’t. Supposed. To. Be. Like. This.

This is what this post is about. It’s about countries like mine where I’m not even talking about equality anymore, I’m talking about being able to get my voice heard. I’m talking about letting the words pass my lips without people staring at me worrying for my mental safety just because real issues concerning real people crossed my juvenile mind. So if homophobia is bad wherever you live, homophobia isn’t even thought about where I live. 

A homophobic American parent would be horrified because their child was born different. A normal non modern open minded parent here would be horrified that their child even knew homosexuality was a thing. The thought wouldn’t even cross their mind in their most fearful nightmares.

And imagine a kid in this country who didn’t even have the exposure we do and who had their exposure completely controlled by their parents. Imagine that kid not even knowing about homosexuality or the different genders then thinking to themselves why they feel like they were born in the wrong body and trying to convince themselves that their ever growing feelings towards their same sex best friend is purely platonic. And if they ever hear about the LGBT, it’ll be so brief and negative, they’ll think they have some sort of disorder. Oblivious to the millions of us out here who fight for rights openly, who are accepted, who live a happily ever after, and who are valid.

So I stand here for you…For the LGBTs in my country and other countries alike. I fight for you to be educated about people just like you. There are more just like you and you are not alone. You live underground not knowing the sun that shines about you brilliantly. Break the taboos. Let the words pass from our lips fearlessly and effortlessly. Let us talk. Let us think. Let us believe. Let us know.

Love is not taboo.


Peace of mind

So I consider myself crazy, extroverted, random, weird, etc. All that stuff. And my close friends, family, Classmates, people who have known me for long know that. 

When I meet a new person, especially adults, I get super nice and sweet and polite as I’m supposed to. Sometimes when I meet people my age- I crack jokes and am still that crazy version of myself on a more low-key level.

I’m the group’s funny one, I say the weirdest shit, I swear, I’m extremely random, sometimes make inappropriate jokes, I am shameless, I am daring but overall I do at the end of the day have morals and principles. I overall consider myself a good person.

What I just described above (minus the good morals and principles part), does that seem like me on this blog? No it does not. Is that girl the same girl who wrote about the beauty behind photographs and car headlights, the same girl who spoke about how each person had an entire galaxy contained within them? Yes. How? I don’t know I’m not a philosopher.

But I am. The thing is- I don’t sit my friends down and rant to them for ten minutes about how I think libraries are portals to other universes and how I find clueless children fascinating. Because who does that?

So these two sides of me are polar opposite yet I would be incomplete without both. I can’t imagine myself without my reckless side. I’d be boring. I’d be a personification of this blog. Not that this blog is boring but this blog is just the writer part of me and if that’s all I completely become as a person… That’ll get tiring and dull. Do you get what I mean? 

But imagining myself without my deep insightful side and just plain weird would just make me dumb and shallow.

Does this seem to narcissistic? It’s not supposed to be. I’m trying to be relatable and self exploratory god dammit.

Anyway, so I think…The way people’s brains’ feel is sort of… Camouflaging. Allow me to elaborate.

This is probably noticed by everyone already but I find it fascinating.

When you’re in a “hustle bustle” type of environment where there’s morning city traffic, you got a meeting, late for work or school or whatever, you’re a bit stressed and flustered. You might get angered easily, you curse at your broken toaster, you nearly kill your driver (even if you’re the driver), am i painting you the right picture?

When you’re out with your friends- you’re carefree, happy, laughing, almost everything is funny. You don’t want this day to end. You don’t want to go back to normal life.

When you’re with you’re on a date with your significant other (I’ve neve been in a relationship so I’m trying to paint the most accurate picture I can of a tree without having ever seen a tree.), everything seems perfect. Just perfect. Time doesn’t exist. It’s just you and that other person. The rest of the world is insignificant. You’re in a bubble. A bubble no one can burst (okay maybe they can), you question how you got so lucky? You’re feeling so many things. You want to capture this feeling and bottle it up. You don’t want to go back to reality. This is assuming you’re drunk in love and you’re not in a horrible place in your relationship 🙂

So you get what I’m saying? You’re you. One you. In all these scenarios but you act differently in all these scenarios. But you’re not being false in any one of them.

I got the inspiration when about a month ago I was dragged to a temple. I’m not religious so of course I wasn’t exactly jumping for joy. It was a really large and spread out place and I came to a spot which was really calm, peaceful and quiet. You know how they say “the night is young”? No I won’t say that. The night felt like a mother. Or a grandmother. Old. The night was wise. The night has been around since forever and before forever. The night looked down on me- it’s great (to the power of infinity), grandaughter holding secrets on it’s eyes, protectively, safely. The night knew things I didn’t.

I looked up at the night in wonder. I was looking at infinity. I was looking up at the same galaxy, moon and stars which Van Gogh did. That Cleopatra did. That the first man did. The night had so many secrets. It knew so many things. And it never told. Did people scream their secrets to the night? They should. Because it would be safe. Okay maybe not scream because if you screamed the maybe your neighbour will hear it and then it’ll be the neighbourhood gossip and you’ll end up blaming the night when it wasn’t the night- it was your asshole neighbour. Apparently Japanese vent out their frustrations by screaming at a rock in their back garden. Sounds fake because I don’t think people do that but I mean…If it helps they should. I’ve neve really screamed at a rock so I don’t know. Won’t it tick you off when it doesn’t react… Because it’s a rock. Didn’t I have a point?

Okay yeah the temple. So as I was sitting there, I felt totally at peace. All these serene thoughts were running through my head and I felt enlightened man. I don’t remember what exactly I was thinking but it was something along the lines “Man the stars are peaceful. It’s so nice and calm out here. I want to stay like this forever. It’s so quiet and peaceful. I want to melt into this moment.” That doesn’t sound extremely peaceful but it was, okay? And then I thought to myself, I’m feeling all this now. I’m feeling elevated. I feel like I have a sixth sense and I’m suddenly taking in everything around me at once but then tomorrow I’m going to go back to school and I’m going to be the freaking same. I’m going to make inappropriate jokes and loudly cuss about homework when the teacher leaves the class. 

It it strikes me just how much we change just based on our surroundings and our company. We’re not cold blooded but we have camouflaging personalities. Has anyone stopped and thought about this? Like taken a step back and looked at the whole picture? This isn’t something I think about everytime I have a change in scenario but just writing this blog post is changing my personality slightly into the deep blogger one and when I put this phone down I’ll be pretty different.

So for some reason I don’t know how to conclude this so I’m going on and on and hoping it’ll taper down to a halt but it really isn’t I don’t want to leave the blog post like this so I’m going to leave it in a cliche way- a quote because I don’t know how else to leave it. 

“I was a personality before I became a person- I am simple, complex,  generous, selfish, unnatractive, beautiful, lazy and driven” ~Barbara Streisand.

A contained galaxy

Featured image is by @qinniart on Instagram 🙂 

She had a galaxy in her eyes and a universe in her mind

So I think it’s reading the book “Aristotle and Dante discover the secrets of the universe” by Benjamin Alire Sáenz that triggered this post (by the way I, 100% recommend this book. It’s really eye opening, beautiful and wonderful full of beautiful and wonderful thoughts. Definitely my kinda book.)

So here’s my thought which the entire post is going to be about: People are like galaxies. One human has an entire galaxy hidden inside them.

This is gonna be sort of a short post i’m sorry.


Every human being is deeply complex. Every human being has varieties of planets,  asteroids, meteoroids, black holes, suns, moons, stars, constellations and colours. What each of these represent in our personalities is up to you.

 I think stars are those small things which are there and you wouldn’t be complete without them. It can be the way you do a particular thing which maybe you don’t even realise but you do. It can be your pet peeves or your favourite things. Small likes and dislikes. Imagine a starless galaxy. Whenever I look up and the sky is starless I feel a bit disappointed. So imagine you without your stars.

planets are those huge things. Your talents, passions, desires, dimensions, affections, preferances, the things you love and hate, but bigger than the stars.

 black holes are those fears, weaknesses and flaws. But without them, you’d be incomplete. You wouldn’t be human. Planets and stars aren’t all positive things either. You need a mix.

Can you truly know a galaxy? No. It has so many hidden secrets. Things change, things are discovered, things are formed. I don’t think anyone truly and completely knows themselves and no one truly and completely knows someone else but the beautiful thing is sometimes you can know someone else’s galaxy just as much as you know your own, you might know them better than yourself. And maybe you know their galaxy better than they do themselves. It’s a beautiful thing being let into someone else’s galaxy, to see them whole. To see them as themselves. To see them without any mask. And to accept… To celebrate the galaxy with all its stars and black holes and planets.

When we become very close to each other, part of them rubs off on us. Some of our stars and constellations added…shared from another galaxy (I’m pretty sure that doesn’t happen IRL tho but I’m a writer not an astronomer. Don’t judge me), and some stars and constellations which originated in our own galaxy in someone else’s galaxy as well. I think when looking up at those stars and constellations, you know you’ve met a real special someone.

I think the galaxy’s actions can reflect on things we’re strongly feeling. When we’re going through rough times, the black holes seem at large. When we go through depression, the black hole seems to be the biggest and most important thing in the center of the universe, maybe it even sucks in a few planets and stars (again, I’m not an astonomer. Don’t judge if I’m wrong). When you’re falling for someone and they’re all you seem to think about, a planet forms for them I guess. When you feel butterflies or sparks fly, it’s like a shooting star or a meteoroid shower. When you fall in love, I think your whole universe tilts a bit and so does theirs. And then asteroids, meteoroid showers, the shooting stars, all seem bigger and brighter.

So yes that’s basically all my thoughts on this. Humans are beautiful and complex. I don’t know if there’s a god or not but if he created us, he certainly put a lot of thought into it. So let your sun burn bright, don’t let your black hole take control. There are 7 billion different kinds of galaxies out there and not one is identical to yours so celebrate your uniqueness. Celebrate your galaxy and remember your best stars and  planets🌌

Right here right now

“Live in the moment.” They always say. But are you really living in the moment properly?

It’s easier than you think really. I’m starting off with the cliché one (Cliché is cliché for a reason), put your smartphone down.

Your phone is a whole other world which is very immersive and addictive. Experiencing something through your phone camera is Pretty different no matter how good the camera is.

So ask yourself what’s more important, being fully part of an amazing moment and experiencing to the fullest or filming it and experiencing it half heartedly so you can look back at it later and feel even less than what you felt in the first place because of this video?

Step two: cast everything else from your mind.

Your worries, your troubles, anyone who’s not part of the scenario now, anything that’s not part of the scenario now, the past and the future. The only thing that matters is the present and the present only.

Step three: enjoy yourself. Let loose. Now that you’re full concentration is on the now, it’s your only duty to enjoy yourself. Life’s short and different for everyone. No matter what sort of lifestyle you live, whether it’s going out on a very regular basis or almost not at all, cherish the good times. They’re precious. The future is unpredictable and at any moment anything can change and memories will be the only thing you’ve got left and looking back should make you smile. You should look back with a positive attitude with the classic it was fun while it  lasted attitude. Someone could walk out of your life at any moment. Don’t be bitter. Look back and remember the person for all the good times you had with them. They say live like there’s no tomorrow for a reason.

When your time’s up and your life flashes before your eyes, make it worth watching.

They say we’re all stories, make yours one worth reading. make it a bestseller.

Be spontaneous

Be adventurous

You only live once.

So make it a life worth living.

Just a push

What is motivation? How does it come to people? Does it come gradually? Does it come due to influence of another? Do you just randomly think “Yep. Now seems like an excellent time to let my creativity flow.” (Or anything for that matter but personally to me I mainly feel motivated to create blog posts and visual art. But there’s the occasional “Now’s a good time to study and do homework” motivation but it strikes at the most inconvenient times and ceases to exist during exams.)

Sometimes I don’t feel motivated until I’m doing the thing. To be honest I only started writing this blog post because I haven’t posted on here for 20 days but I didn’t feel really motivated. Buy now I’ve written some of it, my inner writer has taken over throwing down sentences, thoughts and theories into the page…or well… Phone screen.

That drive in you is probably one of the most important things in life. What if that drive didn’t exist? What if we lived in a world where people had no motivation to function and just sort of did things because they had to? 

That just seems so dull. So black and white. Would people even want to do things anymore? Does motivation have  that much influence in our lives?

A life with no motivation in anyone is a world where I wouldn’t want to live in. No ambition. No will. No determination. What will life even consist of?

I’m probably just weird but sometimes I get urges to do the weirdest things. Like once I got the urge to stand by the campus gate where the incoming cars were and start screaming the lyrics “I will always love you”. Did I do it? No. Was it my best decision to share this information publicly? No. But it shows that motivation could be humour. A light hearted thing. Or I’m just whack.

Anyway in conclusion: motivation. It’s important, life without it would be shit and I’m whack.

Hopefully my next surge of motivation won’t take another 20 days. -S 

Wonderfully Clueless

“The more smarter you are, the sadder you are because you truly understand what a horrid place this world is.” Is this true? Can someone who understands fully about the cruel working of this planet still be happy? I think so. If they do, I don’t think they’re that smart to be completely honest. Setting aside personal struggles if someone’s personal happiness is deeply affected by the general working of the world- something they cannot change. That’s pretty dumb. Every single being is affected the same way you are and you can make a change in the smallest ways but the world’s going remain pretty much the same and people are still happy with the lives they have living in a world no different.

But sometimes yes- it does affect you personally in some way and these are times when I look at little kids and think- damn you are lucky. 

Not because they don’t have to worry about bills and drama and their only homework is colouring but because they’re so clueless. They’re happy for absolutely no reason and they find joy in the smallest most useless things and that’s amazing. 

Why did we outgrow those things? Maybe we didn’t outgrow them completely. There are times when I feel child-like joy in things like sloshing my feet around in puddles and watching two raindrops racing on the car windows. Even adult colouring books are highly entertaining don’t deny it.

There’s something about a child’s shrill exclamation of delight, joyous expressions and large eyes full of wonder and happiness that instinctively spreads joy. I know this sounds cheesy but it’s true.

The way they walk with a waddle, the way they try and communicate, it’s all so innocent and pure.

In conclusion- kids, another small thing with great impact.

Moving lights

I didn’t realise this until a friend told me how beautiful she thought the car lights looked at night. From then I’ve been observing and thinking about the lights of the dark.

First of all, she was right – that’s Aesthetic tumblr material right there.

Second of all – I got the feeling of altered reality again. I’ve already written about how libraries seem like an altered reality. I may just write an entire post about how altered reality is awesome and then different places where I think reality is slightly altered.

Okay I’m getting sidetracked, back to the moving lights.

Imagine this – your tired after a long tired day doing whatever. You hop into your car, or a car. To give full effect in this scenario, you’re not driving it. Your full focus and attention are on the lights so you can’t give a crap about operating the vehicle.

Silence is all there is or maybe the car radio is on for faint background music. Whatever floats your boat. (Or maybe somebody stole your car radio and now you’re just sitting in silence. Sometimes quiet is violent. HAHAHAHA okay I’m sorry.)

Making your way through the streets of the town, dozens of other people in these pod like vehicles in almost the exact state as you (assuming they’re all returning home from a day’s activity), some people would have had great days, some would have had bad days, some- average. A mix of emotions on the same street but everyone feeling one thing- tiredness and longing. All these people exhausted, all needing the comforting hug of their homes to just throw on comfortable clothes and jump into their beds because let’s be real – there’s honestly nothing better than sleep.

These moving lights have so much purpose. The blinking tail lamps of the cars, the ever changing traffic signals, the moon, street lamps, road side signs (even though not all of them are moving), they’re all night lights- just like the small ones we had at our bedside as children afraid of the dark. Total darkness would be pretty terrifying to be honest. I think we’re all still a little afraid of the dark, if not- a lot.

Even night clouds. They might be a little creepy but they’re actually really dreamy accompanying the twinkling stars and the moon which changes daily. The night sky is actually really beautiful and mystical, another small thing we’ve taken an advantage of.

In conclusion-pay attention to the night lights next time. It’s worth it.